How do you explain love?

Valentine’s Day was just a few days ago.  I was informed by my Australian friend (and had it confirmed by a friend in Britain) that it is very much a North American holiday and I believe them – the greeting card companies and floral industry have done a very good marketing job here and we have bought into the whole hearts and flowers thing.  Well, most people – Jim and I have done very little to acknowledge Valentine’s Day over the years – I think the most we’ve ever done is make a nice meal, give each other cards and say “I love you”.  After almost-30 years of marriage, is anything else needed?  We didn’t even do the cards and nice meal this year – we left it at “I love you”.  

 

Some time ago, a friend asked me why I loved Jim.  When she first asked, I thought it was a no-brainer; she knows and likes Jim and so knows his good qualities.  When I tried to respond, though, I was at a loss for words.   I stammered out something about his sense of humour and his kindness and ….his sense of humour … and his kindness …and … I could not say why I loved him.  I know I do but could not say why.  I felt rather foolish.

I don’t think I’m telling tales out of school to say that my friend has a complex relationship with her husband.  In comparison, I have occasionally felt that Jim’s and my marriage is almost too easy – and maybe too easy means a little shallow?  That’s ridiculous, of course, because every marriage has its own story and context and cannot be compared to any other.  Yet, when asked to explain why I loved Jim and being unable to do so – well, it left me wondering.

Several months after this exchange, I heard a speaker at a conference talk about consumers’ buy-in to various products and how they appeal to people.  He compared rational responses to products – they are useful, user-friendly, the right size, etc. – to the emotional appeal they have, and noted no one can adequately explain why they are emotionally attached to a product.  And he extended that to relationships and finally I had the reason why I couldn’t articulate my emotions.

According to the speaker, the part of our brain that deals with rational things like decisions and problem solving and learning is also the part of the brain that processes language.  We can use language to express what we are thinking and reasoning.  The part of the brain that processes emotion and emotional responses, however, does not process language, and so we cannot use language to describe emotion. 

I’m sure that’s overly-simplified (and let’s face it, my middle-aged brain only remembers so much these days) but his presentation made me feel so much less foolish about my inability to express a simple sentiment.   

So next time someone asks you why you love your significant other – or even your child or best friend - it may help to remember that you can’t explain love.  And maybe that’s what makes it so wonderful.

 

A happy winter memory?

It’s the first week of February and the middle of winter – and what a winter it is.  Anyone who loves crunching snow and cold would love it here.  We’ve had enough snow that it’s getting hard to find a place to put it when we’re shoveling the driveway.  And I understand it’s not over yet – reports from Environment Canada suggest there’s much more of the white stuff headed our way in the near future.

 

Strangely, I’m not turning this into a complaint about the winter.  As much as I dislike cold weather and snow and ice (anywhere except in my drink), I’m actually finding some enjoyment in the winter precisely because it is so cold.  The cold brings the light, fluffy snow that turns into the dry, crunching-underfoot snow I remember from my childhood.  You don’t get that when the temperatures hover nearer the freezing mark.  

 

Ah, childhood memories of winter.  I do find it a bit odd to be looking back fondly on winters in Manitoba – I don’t recall actually liking them as a child.  My mother would send us outside to play and I know I hated being out in the cold.  But there had to have been something that brings warm memories now … was it the snow forts we used to build?  The paths we’d shovel out to make a maze?  The group of kids we’d be playing with?  I have no idea – it’s all jumbled into that single memory of the sound of crunching snow that makes me feel good now…something that makes me smile.

 

These happy feelings about winter are today’s feelings.  Tomorrow … who knows – we’re supposed to get some more snow – enough to cover the ice on the roads and sidewalks and make it treacherous again for driving and walking.   I’d better enjoy this while I can.