Everything comes at a cost

This might as well be titled "be careful what you wish for". 

In my last post, I said something had to change to move me to whatever I felt was waiting around the corner.   That turned out to be true.  Something changed but I'm heartsick and right now have a hard time believing that what is around the corner will be worth the cost.  

Earlier this week we had to put down our 14 1/2-year old dog.  He was a well-loved companion, the source of endless stories, and a welcoming, waggy tail when we came home.  The decision to put him down was both the easiest decision and the hardest.  It was the right time for him and the right time for us, but, oh, how do you decide that a loved one's life should be over?  I still don't know how we did it, but we made the decision, made the arrangements and lived through three days of knowing he was into the very last days of his life. 

I'm not going to say anything further about his end - right now it's a little raw and the heartache isn't over.  But I do have a point.

No matter how much we loved that dog, the truth is that we built our lives around him for the last few years.  We had to forego holidays for a couple of years because we could no longer leave him at a kennel.  Just last year we found a great dog-sitter so we could get away, but that came at a huge cost both financially and emotionally.  We had to be home at certain times to feed him, let him out, walk him.  We felt confined and unable to live the way we wanted to.  And now that he's gone, we can.

Is that what was waiting around the corner - the freedom to live like the empty-nesters we are - going away overnight if we want to, or not coming home until we want, being able to plan our own time?  If that's the case, it's come at a heavy emotional cost.  Oh, I know this had to happen - our dog wasn't going to live forever - but I find it sad that we are getting what we desired at the cost of our dog's life.

So yes, there was something around the corner.  I now have what I looked forward to.  The price, however, is living without the companion I loved for over 14 years.